Nappy Days

One of my first duties as a new father, as I understand it, will not be an altogether pleasant experience.  Of course, I'm not talking about any of those things I can't wait for, like holding and cuddling my daughter for the first time or seeing her in her mother's arms.  No, I'm referring to changing the first dirty nappy.  I'm led to believe that it is a scenario which strips both parties of their dignity.

For those of you who have already experienced these meconium nappies, I take my hat off to you.  (Well I would if I was wearing one.  I'm not.  I don't like them messing up my hair!)  You survived to tell the tale, which gives me inspiration.  I am, however, still fairly worried about what lies ahead.  Everyone I have talked to about these first nappies describes them as disgusting and impossible to clean up.  Now, I would love to believe that my daughter will be like the Queen and not do anything in her nappy other than the occasional wee.  But, the reality is that she will be like all other babies and I will be called upon to do the honours whilst my wife recovers after the birth.

During our final NCT class this week, we were given the opportunity to change a nappy.  We were allowed to select our own 'baby' from a basket full of them.  Don't panic.  They weren't real babies.  They were dolls.  We'll skip over the fact that my wife chose the weirdest looking one in the basket for us and move straight on to the nappy changing.  Assuming that the nappy I was changing was just a clean nappy (because after all, dolls don't poo or wee), I happily started to undress the doll and take off the nappy.  It was at this point that I realised everything was not quite right.  The reaction of those around me tipped me off to the fact that there was something unexpected to be found in our dolls' nappies.

Our NCT course leader hadn't been sourcing actual baby poo to put in these nappies, but she had done the next best thing.  She had used various condiments to simulate baby poo.  My nappy contained a runny yellow substance which turned out to be Dijon mustard.  The couple next to me had one with treacle in it to simulate meconium.  We were given just water and cotton wool to get our dolls clean.  Why no baby wipes?  Good question.  It is frowned upon to use baby wipes on newborns.  So, when we got home, we removed our pack of wipes from our hospital bag as neither of us wants to be tutted at by a disappointed midwife.  Cleaning my doll was easy enough.  Yes, I did get some on my hands.  But, I managed to clean it up and put on a new nappy quite successfully.  Those with treacle in the nappy struggled.  Warm water and cotton wool aren't enough to get treacle, or meconium, off of a baby's bum.  You need a chisel, blow torch and some sand paper.  Although, I think that you might get more than a disapproving look or a less than subtle tut if you unloaded any or all of these from your bag at the hospital.

I'm hoping that I will be so euphoric after the birth of our baby that changing even the most disgusting of nappies will not affect my mood.  If not, I guess that's what therapists are for!